Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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