The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
