seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
