I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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