If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
