Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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