This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
