My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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