Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
