Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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