Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
