Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
