Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
