i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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