Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
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