I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
