i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
