Yo dont text me then not text me
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
