my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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