I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
