i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Im part way to drunk.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
