I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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