Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
