i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
