I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
