She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
