I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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