Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
