I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
