I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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