There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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