Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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