i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
