The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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