i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
