Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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