Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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