when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Houston, we have a blender
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize