I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
