If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
