The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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