i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
