Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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