That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
