youre lurking in front of me
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
