jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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