Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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