Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
