Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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