ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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