i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
