Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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