My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize