Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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