Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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