i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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