people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize