dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
