What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
