I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
