Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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