I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
