He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
