living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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