Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
