My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
