I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
