New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
