i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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