Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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