I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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